the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
BRING THE BAGELS
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
