you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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