I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
In other news, I just burned my penis
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I could fuck to npr.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
