i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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