What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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