you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
