You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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