I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
