why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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