ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
