Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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