On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
