The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
