the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
