We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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