Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
