dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
