peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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