Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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