I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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