I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
