I wish my penis had an off switch
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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