that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
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I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
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I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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