fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
