Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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