i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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