new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
