Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
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A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
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Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
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