i wish my penis had a tongue
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
