i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
did i just pee glitter
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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