I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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