Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
