I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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