Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
