I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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