i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
