I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
