Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
