Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
