I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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