Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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