I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
