Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
