maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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