Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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