I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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