Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
