I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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