I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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