I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
