I think I am morally bankrupt
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
