Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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