just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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