Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
