I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
