I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
