I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
