the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
