Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
