Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
