she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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