What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
