I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
